spring cleaning and high school journals

In the theme of "letting go" that I touched on in my blog post last Friday, I had some time over the weekend while in spring cleaning mode to go through old boxes and bins that I have been carrying around for the past 15 years. Books, journals, old projects that take up space, college papers that I will never need again, clothes that really don't make sense anymore. But, the most liberating feeling was to throw out old journal entries from high school, because they were no longer relevant to my life! I am going to keep a few of the pages that matter, that remind me enough of who I was, but the rest is better left sent off and forgotten. I think that maybe we only have so much space in our heads and hearts to house memories, and I have already pushed all of that aside anyway. Felt silly to let it take up room in my house! It also felt great to make the decision to hang on to the happy stuff, and throw out all of the not so happy stuff. And to be really honest, my writing was so embarrassing I felt some things were better left unread! It feels great to have been doing this whole, living life thing, long enough to have a past that is so far away it has little relevance to who I am now! So long young, teenage Emily, you did good! But, it's time to make room for the things you want to really hang on to and for the things that are ahead! I am looking forward to utilizing my friend's new fire pit to officially let it all go.

minature orchids

I mentioned in my post about the Nashville Lawn and Garden show that I picked up a beautiful little orchid from the Orchid Society of Middle TN's booth. It bloomed after I got it home and is a lovely orange star-shaped flower. So then this week I found another beautiful little orchid, except this time, it literally is a little orchid. It is a miniature orchid! I have never seen one of these, and it was too adorable to not buy. I feel myself moving into dangerous territory with my recent finds—there is only so much space in my house to put plants and I envision all of the places I could fill with miniature orchids! I fear that I am becoming the crazy plant lady.

the shift: letting go

"There's a note, I found; Reminding me, not to wait.
That you'd come and look for me, and not to wait.
I can't explain where the love goes,
I can't explain cause I don't know...It finds a way" (The Frames)

Even though this winter has been quite mild, there is a clear shift in the seasons as we move into Spring. Bulbs I buried in the ground last Fall are popping up. Recently I looked up and the grass was full and green. My doors and windows are staying open to let in new air. Blossoms are finally ready to show themselves. All was dormant for a bit, but is starting to wake back up. To come alive again.

Including me.

I finally feel like I am back to the living and past the heaviest of the grief. I have turned this big corner recently. My spirit feels a little lighter, more open. My confidence snuck back in. And against all of my efforts to get back to the person I had been, I have finally let go into the person I am suppose to be moving forward. It hit me one day that I will never be able to go back. That I shouldn't even want to actually. Too much learned and loved and lost to be the same person. It was the letting go of the life I believed I was going to have that I have been clinging to. The last intense phase necessary before really being ready to move forward.

I think most of us start out believing we know what our lives will look like and we move towards it. We take the appropriate steps. Lots of times it seems to work out great, and for the most part resembles what we envisioned. In my case I fell in love with Eric, we married, we lived in a neighborhood that we adored, there were plenty of friends and promise of children, and travel, and following our passions. I was taking those appropriate steps, but my journey took an unexpected turn, and one day I woke up and there was a quiet storm rolling in. And before I knew it, everything I knew to be my life was beginning to crumble. And despite any desperate grasping and pleading to keep things on the path I expected they should be, it became clear that I had no say so. It wasn't about me and there was nothing I could do to make it different. It is impossible to describe how unsettling this feels. There was a quiet, dormant space that my soul went upon this realization, and only recently have I felt it begin to emerge again. While it stayed deep down, safe from all of the upheaval and grief that my emotional side needed to process through, my soul stitched back up into a stronger version of itself. Turns out, from struggles and turmoil can come transformation. When it all crumbles around you, there is the option to decide what to pick back up and piece back together. All of this time was necessary to emerge with a real understanding of love and what connections truly are. To shed so much of what has weighed me down all of these years. To let go of expectations in order to open up possibilities. Insecurity, judgement, and independence are being replaced by confidence, openness, and connection. This transformation has been in no way easy, only necessary.

These last 8 months I have been as disconnected from myself as I have ever been though. I couldn't seem to take one more hit, one more loss, and they kept coming. There was a lot of anger and feeling victim. I had no interest in finding the silver lining or good in anything. I misplaced my confidence, and completely lost the battle with the depression phase of grieving. It was all a result of my last ditch effort to fight and kick my way back to what had existed before. But that life that I so desired to still have was literally no longer an option anymore. Because it involved Eric. That option was off of the table that Monday evening on June 14th. That is a difficult thing to want to let go of, especially when it all happened so quickly. But one day I gave in to that being okay. I let the idea of that life go because it was time to, and when I did, the beautiful reality of what it actually is came flooding in. It exists in a very different realm for me now, and in some strange way it is much more connected then when he was on earth. When I finally let it go and asked God to just do whatever he had planned, and I would be open for it, things immediately shifted. Immediately. All of the road maps are being made available and each step is clear, so it's as simple as following them, staying open to them, and having faith. Maybe one day I will have some form of that life I envisioned, but I am less concerned with the details. I have begun to embrace that the final destination each day is to find our way to that place where our purpose meets our maker. And all of the rest is what makes your journey your own.

nashville lawn and garden show

I went to the Nashville Lawn and Garden show over the weekend and walked away with a great little orchid, some crazy lemon grapeseed oil, seeds for sprouts and sunflowers, and lots of ideas for redoing my backyard! All of the displays were pretty—lots of fountains and paths made from various rocks. There is also the clear trend of planting herbs and flowers between crevices in man-made rock walls. There was one display that was more up my alley, that made a tiered brick planter of sorts and was packed with loads of herbs and succulents. It was simple, utilitarian, and lovely all at the same time. Possibly something that would be a bit more realistic in my back yard. This early Spring weather has already put me in the mood to be outside with my hands in the dirt, so I am looking forward to streamlining some of the inspiration I gathered into a few doable projects over the next few months!