the month of may

The last three or four weeks have been such a blur at work. Too many projects, with too many components, and too little time. This leaves very little space for things like blogging. But amongst the sea of country music artist headshots, and signage, and flyers, and ads, and photoshoots, and stress, I have managed to get a few other things worked into any bit of day I had left. Things like a raku firing in pottery class, a visit to Oxford, mornings cutting herbs, evenings on the deck, Memorial Day with friends, a visit to the vet. Notice the photo of my crazy dog Oskar laying down while waiting for the vet. This is a rare thing for him, who for 11+ years has never stopped moving unless it is time to sleep. Time flies by too fast. This fact becomes more prominent when you look up one day and notice your beloved dog slowing down. It makes you stop and realize nothing is forever. Not even a stressful few weeks at a job.

back on the wheel

I have been back in a pottery class this Spring, although I have switched studios. Closer to my side of town and also a bit larger. And the whole space is focused entirely on pottery, so there is better access to tools and glazes and inspiration everywhere. Although I got back on the wheel in my class last Fall, I never really felt like I had that "ah ha" moment that took me back to the days when I first learned to throw. My teacher at this studio is wonderful and within one evening retaught me everything I had already been taught—and then took it a step further. I am in love with this medium again. I am excited to see each Wednesday what else she will teach me, and feel I am finally ready to truly learn it. There are no other classes in the way, no grades or class credits, and I am creating from a deeper place. I have found that this time around I am less focused on coming out of there with a specific list of objects and more on simply creating. Letting the forms unfold, getting used to the rhythm of the steps. I am happy to throw crooked clay bowls back into the bag and start over again the next week. My favorite moment while on the wheel is when I catch myself taking that deep breathe and everything else in my head moves aside, and my whole world consists of only quiet and focus and creating. I move a little more into myself when this happens and it is balancing. Meditative. Healing. I am able to erase a bit of the chaos from the day in these moments, and I am realizing it is here that I feel as close to my nature than in any other place. I loved it before, but I am starting to get it now.

This is a beautiful video of an artist named Sue Paraskeva. Just watching it makes me breathe a bit deeper.

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Em Eye Crooked Letter

I am headed to Mississippi soon for a good long week, and despite the fact that part of me would like to use vacation time to go sit on a beach or travel across the country, I am equally happy to spend a week there! Besides there is something about that state that causes time to slow down a bit. This used to drive me nuts, but these days sounds just about right. I recently got this print from Old Try. A friend from college posted a picture of hers on Facebook one day, and then I happened upon it again through the Garden & Gun website. Both times my heart swelled a bit when I saw it! I love to see it and remember home. And being a little kid running around in the Delta learning that funny song.

yard makeover

I have been a bit MIA the last few weeks on my blog, but for good reason. I have spent the majority of my free time lately outside—with my hands in the dirt, digging holes, hauling topsoil and mulch, killing grub worms, saving earthworms, getting sunburned. And planting a collection of bushes, herbs and flowers all in the effort to add a little bit more character to my backyard. A place where I spend a lot of time. I have a really great yard, with a lot of space and so many possibilities. But over the years it has almost been easier to just keep it as a playground for the dogs and stick to keeping flowers and plants on the deck. Last fall, with the help from my dad, I dug up and cut down all of the dead bushes that were becoming an eye sore, creating a blank slate. I have spent the winter months researching what I might want to plant and looking through images for inspiration. I decided the best place to start would be to create another little sitting area at the point where the edge of the driveway meets the yard. I made a list of what I wanted it to be—landscaped yet utilitarian, shade for the dogs, organic and loose, use as many found objects as I could, flowering bushes and evergreens, an herb and cutting garden, and a space that could serve as a little more private of a sitting area. Check, check, check! Somehow I did this. Besides input from my dad and my friend Melissa on what to plant, and my friend Brad helping me till up the ground, I managed to do this on my own! And I have the sore muscles to prove it! 

before and after

tilling—turns out there were concrete blocks that proved to be a challenge!

the dogs checking it out; ground after much work to clean out the grass and dig out rocks

building the herb bed

view of herb/cutting garden and bushes; herbs on the right and wildflower seeds planted on the left

backside of bed; bird bath that was a gift from a friend—it is handmade and has a beautiful blue glaze
on the inside and a pressed leaf pattern. Made by a local artist in town

close up of herbs; side view

pathway made of rocks that were bought and the rest of the bed is lined with rocks that
I dug up while prepping the ground; sitting area

herb/cutting bed views; gate to keep out rabbits and more importantly my dogs!

spring cleaning and high school journals

In the theme of "letting go" that I touched on in my blog post last Friday, I had some time over the weekend while in spring cleaning mode to go through old boxes and bins that I have been carrying around for the past 15 years. Books, journals, old projects that take up space, college papers that I will never need again, clothes that really don't make sense anymore. But, the most liberating feeling was to throw out old journal entries from high school, because they were no longer relevant to my life! I am going to keep a few of the pages that matter, that remind me enough of who I was, but the rest is better left sent off and forgotten. I think that maybe we only have so much space in our heads and hearts to house memories, and I have already pushed all of that aside anyway. Felt silly to let it take up room in my house! It also felt great to make the decision to hang on to the happy stuff, and throw out all of the not so happy stuff. And to be really honest, my writing was so embarrassing I felt some things were better left unread! It feels great to have been doing this whole, living life thing, long enough to have a past that is so far away it has little relevance to who I am now! So long young, teenage Emily, you did good! But, it's time to make room for the things you want to really hang on to and for the things that are ahead! I am looking forward to utilizing my friend's new fire pit to officially let it all go.

minature orchids

I mentioned in my post about the Nashville Lawn and Garden show that I picked up a beautiful little orchid from the Orchid Society of Middle TN's booth. It bloomed after I got it home and is a lovely orange star-shaped flower. So then this week I found another beautiful little orchid, except this time, it literally is a little orchid. It is a miniature orchid! I have never seen one of these, and it was too adorable to not buy. I feel myself moving into dangerous territory with my recent finds—there is only so much space in my house to put plants and I envision all of the places I could fill with miniature orchids! I fear that I am becoming the crazy plant lady.

the shift: letting go

"There's a note, I found; Reminding me, not to wait.
That you'd come and look for me, and not to wait.
I can't explain where the love goes,
I can't explain cause I don't know...It finds a way" (The Frames)

Even though this winter has been quite mild, there is a clear shift in the seasons as we move into Spring. Bulbs I buried in the ground last Fall are popping up. Recently I looked up and the grass was full and green. My doors and windows are staying open to let in new air. Blossoms are finally ready to show themselves. All was dormant for a bit, but is starting to wake back up. To come alive again.

Including me.

I finally feel like I am back to the living and past the heaviest of the grief. I have turned this big corner recently. My spirit feels a little lighter, more open. My confidence snuck back in. And against all of my efforts to get back to the person I had been, I have finally let go into the person I am suppose to be moving forward. It hit me one day that I will never be able to go back. That I shouldn't even want to actually. Too much learned and loved and lost to be the same person. It was the letting go of the life I believed I was going to have that I have been clinging to. The last intense phase necessary before really being ready to move forward.

I think most of us start out believing we know what our lives will look like and we move towards it. We take the appropriate steps. Lots of times it seems to work out great, and for the most part resembles what we envisioned. In my case I fell in love with Eric, we married, we lived in a neighborhood that we adored, there were plenty of friends and promise of children, and travel, and following our passions. I was taking those appropriate steps, but my journey took an unexpected turn, and one day I woke up and there was a quiet storm rolling in. And before I knew it, everything I knew to be my life was beginning to crumble. And despite any desperate grasping and pleading to keep things on the path I expected they should be, it became clear that I had no say so. It wasn't about me and there was nothing I could do to make it different. It is impossible to describe how unsettling this feels. There was a quiet, dormant space that my soul went upon this realization, and only recently have I felt it begin to emerge again. While it stayed deep down, safe from all of the upheaval and grief that my emotional side needed to process through, my soul stitched back up into a stronger version of itself. Turns out, from struggles and turmoil can come transformation. When it all crumbles around you, there is the option to decide what to pick back up and piece back together. All of this time was necessary to emerge with a real understanding of love and what connections truly are. To shed so much of what has weighed me down all of these years. To let go of expectations in order to open up possibilities. Insecurity, judgement, and independence are being replaced by confidence, openness, and connection. This transformation has been in no way easy, only necessary.

These last 8 months I have been as disconnected from myself as I have ever been though. I couldn't seem to take one more hit, one more loss, and they kept coming. There was a lot of anger and feeling victim. I had no interest in finding the silver lining or good in anything. I misplaced my confidence, and completely lost the battle with the depression phase of grieving. It was all a result of my last ditch effort to fight and kick my way back to what had existed before. But that life that I so desired to still have was literally no longer an option anymore. Because it involved Eric. That option was off of the table that Monday evening on June 14th. That is a difficult thing to want to let go of, especially when it all happened so quickly. But one day I gave in to that being okay. I let the idea of that life go because it was time to, and when I did, the beautiful reality of what it actually is came flooding in. It exists in a very different realm for me now, and in some strange way it is much more connected then when he was on earth. When I finally let it go and asked God to just do whatever he had planned, and I would be open for it, things immediately shifted. Immediately. All of the road maps are being made available and each step is clear, so it's as simple as following them, staying open to them, and having faith. Maybe one day I will have some form of that life I envisioned, but I am less concerned with the details. I have begun to embrace that the final destination each day is to find our way to that place where our purpose meets our maker. And all of the rest is what makes your journey your own.

nashville lawn and garden show

I went to the Nashville Lawn and Garden show over the weekend and walked away with a great little orchid, some crazy lemon grapeseed oil, seeds for sprouts and sunflowers, and lots of ideas for redoing my backyard! All of the displays were pretty—lots of fountains and paths made from various rocks. There is also the clear trend of planting herbs and flowers between crevices in man-made rock walls. There was one display that was more up my alley, that made a tiered brick planter of sorts and was packed with loads of herbs and succulents. It was simple, utilitarian, and lovely all at the same time. Possibly something that would be a bit more realistic in my back yard. This early Spring weather has already put me in the mood to be outside with my hands in the dirt, so I am looking forward to streamlining some of the inspiration I gathered into a few doable projects over the next few months!

cutting board class

cutting board pieced together, before it has been polished into its final form

I signed up for a woodworking class recently, and the focus was to make a cutting board. Strangely enough, I have been on the hunt for a really nice cutting board for quite some time. Turns out the really stellar ones—not some little bamboo guy from TJ Maxx—are quite expensive! So when I saw that this class would not only result in what I had been searching for, but it would also teach me basics of woodworking, I figured why not! My grandfather did a lot of woodworking and I grew up playing around in his shop, but never really learned any techniques. I would just find random pieces to glue or hammer together. This was pretty close to what I did during art school in my sculpture class—finding random pieces in the wood bin to build something that might result in a sculpture! Again, never really learning any real techniques. So I suppose it's never too late! I am really proud of how it turned out. This approach to cutting up pieces, gluing them back together and hoping something will result turned out much better with a little guidance! It will be a nice compliment to my counter and my cooking. My grandfather will be proud, no doubt!

it's the small steps

This past weekend was really lovely. I cannot believe we may have escaped winter with very little snow and intense cold. I have no complaints! I spent a good bit of time outside, a lot of that time, with my dogs. I have been working with a dog trainer for about a year now. E left me with two huge dogs to be responsible for and when the two together weigh about the same as I do, it can be difficult feeling confident walking them! He was brilliant with dogs, so when he was around it never occurred to me that I maybe wasn't. But, I am happy to say that a year later, after letting go of my ego enough to admit I need help with them, and lots of love and time together, the three of us have come along way. It is funny to watch the growth and change of the dogs alongside of myself. Mirror image actually. Anyone who thinks that dogs do not absorb and reflect what is going on around them is crazy. These two have absorbed ALOT over the past few years, and I am no longer sad to say that—and then in turn, do something about it. Both for them and for myself. I had a simple goal of feeling confident getting Oskar out again and walking him by Spring—a walk that didn't involve him pulling me along, or being nervous I wasn't strong enough to handle them, or things feeling out of control. Things sort of spiraled after E died, and there was a lot of fear and self-doubt when it came to stepping in and handling all of the responsibilities myself. Taking care of two very powerful breeds and getting them adjusted back to any sort of normalcy required me being able to feel confident and strong and happy myself. None of these characteristics have existed in me for quite some time now, and only recently have I been able to face this truth. I am grateful I had the pull to go ahead and get started down this path, long before I would be ready to walk it. This is true for any movement forward that I have been able to make over the past two years. In this case, I had one dog acting out by tearing things up in the house and the other being so sad and nervous, I had no choice but to stop and recognize they were grieving with me and it was my responsibility to help us heal. Slowly, but surely, the dog trainer has retaught me how to communicate well with them. She has helped me observe what needs to shift, as well as, the things that had already begun to change. We set realistic goals for my situation. No longer looking at what I should have been able to do, or what every other dog owner was already doing, but only what it was that I needed to accomplish. Just that one lesson, that one approach to changing this situation began to spill over into the other aspects of my life and vice versa. All of this letting go, and healing, and facing fears, and not comparing has turned out to be an avenue for all three of us to heal.

So on Saturday I looked up and realized I was there. I was moving down the road, with a confidence I had not felt in a long time, and my dog walking calmly by my side. It sounds so simple, but to literally SEE a tangible change in my life after working towards it, and waiting for it, well, it was a reminder that I am in fact not doing everything wrong. That maybe, just maybe, things will turn around a bit if I keep at it.

yummy kale salad

Kale is one of my favorite greens. It is fabulous cooked down and paired with fish. Saute it with loads of garlic and lemon juice and it is a perfect winter side. It appears to be making a name for itself as it is showing up everywhere these days. I am grateful to come across some new ways to use it because it is so packed with nutrients, it shouldn't taste as good as it does! Here is a quick recipe for a salad. I had not really thought to eat it raw, like you might spinach or romaine but this has become my new favorite salad!!

Here is the rough rundown—you will need kale leaves, radicchio, garbanzo beans (canned is perfectly fine), fennel, and walnuts. Chop the kale, radicchio, and fennel; toss with rinsed garbanzo beans and chopped walnuts. For the dressing you will need olive oil, lemon, rice vinegar (or any kind of red or white wine vinegar), salt and pepper. I eyeballed this dressing, but basically 2 parts olive oil to one part lemon and vinegar. Season with salt and pepper to taste. I recommend using a real lemon and adding a bit of zest to the final dressing. I also recommend adding a bit of heavy cream to make it more of a creamy vinaigrette dressing. Takes a bit of the tang out. Toss all of this together and enjoy! 

little "hun"

We said goodbye to my grandmother over the weekend. It was a short fight with pancreatic cancer, but in reality it was too long if you ask me. I wish she had not experienced a single day of it. But, in true fashion, she did so with strength, grace, and an unwavering faith in God and what was ahead for her. And so a life well-lived came to an earthly end and I am thankful for the inspiration she brought to my family and my life. I am a few days late in posting this because I have been working out in my head what I wanted to say about her. The truth is, she was never one for bringing much attention to herself, so I will honor that and not plaster everything about her life all over my blog. Instead, I will just share a small, yet big, part of herself that she passed onto me. The love of antique shopping and estate sales. It was here, alongside of her, that I discovered a love for these stores and the inspiration they brought to me. We would spend mornings wandering through store after store, and it became one of the few places that would spark my imagination and get my creative brain going. I would envision how I could use the mismatched china set for an afternoon lunch, or the milk glass vase for my makeup brushes, or the old quilt on a wall. Over the years I collected for myself and began to find my own style. It was a mix of her (the elegant cut crystal, white milk glass, silver, and white linens) and me (organic objects, woods, graphic patterns, plants, pottery). I treasure every summer morning spent this way and rarely do I go into an antique store and not think of her. This was the beginning of what I have begun to realize is a bigger calling—for my career and craft. She will always be the root and inspiration for me. 

There is something so bold about genetics and how we can have so much of a family member in us. It is meant to be this way, written out long before we can know it. In this way, our lives can be beautiful. I cannot say why I always had more of a connection with her than I have with others, but I can say that over the years the line has been blurred as to what is her influence and what is actually me. I am grateful I had so much time with her and knew her in the way I was suppose to, as a grandmother. We all play the roles we are supposed to play—sibling, spouse, parent, grandparent, friend—and they are important for specific reasons. Although I will say, I think we all remember her as graceful, devoted, classic, quiet, and strong. She will always be there when I see red and pink roses, crisp white linens, cut crystal and milky white glass. She will be there when I find myself wandering through my house rearranging my beloved objects and feeling at ease when all is in place. Or when I use my good china for a simple afternoon lunch. When I pull out any of the pearls I have gathered over the years, many from her, and feel suddenly polished. When I find myself putting my family before any wish I would ever want for myself. When I find myself unable to ever sit still and stop doing for those around me. Most importantly, when I sometimes catch glimpses of myself, as I grow older.

food photography

I have been doing a little organizing and cleaning out in this new year. It is a great feeling to get things streamlined. I had a few days recently where I had some extra time to go through my phone and begin cleaning out some of the pictures I have taken over the last year or two. All of this to be said, because I realized how many pictures I actually have of food! Meals I have made, or enjoyed in a restaurant, or from the farmer's market. If you know me or have had a meal with me, you mostly like know it is a common thing for me to pull out my phone and photograph it before ever picking up a fork! I used to take these photos with my Nikon, but since I don't really have a food blog or an outlet like that, it seemed to be a little much. Now I just use my phone, because I always have it with me, and it seems less intense. I know I do this because of all of the beautiful colors that are naturally found in food, and also the creativity that comes from preparing it. But I am now realizing it is also a way of journaling. Documenting. As I scrolled through the pictures I could remember where I was, who I was with, why I wanted to "mark" that meal down in some way. Recently I downloaded a Hipstamatic lens called "Foodie." Again, if you know me, you most likely know I take a lot of Hipstamatic photos, so combining the two is perfect for this little tick of mine! Looks like I will not be stopping anytime soon! Here is a collection of some of my favorite shots from the last year and below a documentation of when they were taken!

Top left to right:

Dinner at Becco in NYC with Claire, that was the beginning of a fun and memorable night about town  |  Yazoo Gerst during one of my favorite Summer days spent by myself doing only what I wanted to do  |  Micheal Worthy's famous fish tacos during our vacation at the beach, I love every meal I have ever had with Michael and his wife/my best friend Brooke  |  gorgeous latte at Crema on a regular coffee date with Faith  |  Beef Bourguignon made by Faith for a perfect Fall dinner party at her house with Chris, Ellen, and Nekos  |  tomato soup with avocado during the cold quiet days of heavy snow at the beginning of the year  |  strussel muffins and fruit that was the start to one of the most fun yard sales ever  |  Silly Goose specialty "King Kong" couscous on a lovely summer evening with Claire  |  loads of produce from the Nashville farmer's market on the weekend of July 4th, that resulted in lots of pickled okra, frozen corn for the winter, and a festive cake for a cookout  |  apples from a trip with my parents to the farmers market in the fall, that was one of my favorite days  |  french toast from brunch with friends Adrianne and Megan  |  cheeseburger at the new local joint in East Nashville, The Pharmacy, on a really fun New Years Eve day with Nicholas  |  holidays flavors at Jeni's in East Nashville—a "night cap" after the performance of Charlie Brown Christmas at the Family Wash with Geoff, Katy, Claire, Susan, and Courtney  |  tacos from South Depot Taco Shop in Oxford, MS with Nicholas  |  Lunch at Edely's in 12 South before the holidays with friends Adrianne and Faith  |  Christmas turkey smoked by my brother-in-law Roy and it turned out gorgeous  |  bananas to go on toast with peanut butter and honey after a long new year's eve  |  strong cup of joe at Fido in Hillsboro Village with dear friend Kath while talking about life and the upcoming year

2012

I am a day late in the "new year" post because I spent January 1st giving myself permission to lay on the couch, watch the Law and Order: SVU marathon, and be lazy! However, I rang in the new year on a rooftop in downtown Nashville, dancing and laughing with friends. It has been years since I spent a New Year's Eve like that, but decided that I am 31, single again, and probably needed to mix it up a bit. I felt like it might be a good way to officially get back in the game. But really, it was just fun to get a new cocktail dress, put on heels, and feel a little sassy. I have mentioned before that I don't really make resolutions, and this year is no exception. However, I do actually feel more goal-oriented this year than I may have 12 months ago. Instead of just wishing for a year to go by without any sudden movements or changes I am ready to shift a few things about my life. I am grateful for the time I have had to be quiet and heal and gather myself back up. But, like a friend of mine recently said of her own goals for the new year, it is time to focus on myself and make changes for my life, that might get me to the next phase. And I finally feel confident enough that I am ready for that. So, here's to another one.

roots and reality checks

Well there is nothing like finding out that your grandmother—one of the dearest people in your life—has an extensive form of cancer to snap you out of any bullshit sadness you may feel about where you think you are in your life. It is also a big reality check. We discovered that my grandmother has pancreatic cancer two days before Christmas, and it is far enough along to not be able to do anything about it. What a tough couple of days, but somehow spending Christmas day with my parents and grandparents in the hospital made perfect sense. There is a depth to what is happening with my grandmother and grandfather, that is so inspiring and so beautiful, it is hard to put it into words. I am thankful to have witnessed it all of these years. I am thankful to have some of those genetics in me. I am so grateful for all of the time I have already had with "Little Hun", and any time I will have. I am in awe of the strength she has always possessed, even now when faced with this.

The holidays do have a way of bringing you back to your roots. It is hard to be in a room full of your family and not be reminded of who you are, where you have come from, and where you are going. I needed that jolt back to myself, just in time for the start of a new year. It is also difficult to be faced with something as overwhelming and large as the illness of a loved one, and not use any time together to help and love each other.

Maple-Soy Chex Mix

Holidays are not the same if there are no treats involved, right?! I am not the biggest fan of all of the sweets, but Chex Mix on the other hand, is one of my favorites! I found this recipe this year and have made it a few times already to give to friends and family. The seasoning for it is a good combination of that sweet and savory mix that is hard to beat! Thought I would share in case anyone needed an easy go-to for an upcoming party!

Here is the original link for the recipe. I found that halving it was a more manageable amount to make at one time. It made roughly two pans worth of mix. Here is the slightly altered version that I came up with!

Maple-Soy Snack Mix

6 cups Rice Chex cereal

3 cups Wheat Chex cereal

2 cups cashews (I used the whole and halves mix)

1 cup almonds

2 cups pretzel sticks

1 stick unsalted butter

½ cup maple syrup

1/3 cup soy sauce

1/2 - 1 tbsp. Thai red curry paste

Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper

Preheat the oven to 275ºF.  In a large bowl, combine the cereal with the nuts and pretzel sticks.

In a medium saucepan, combine the butter, maple syrup, soy sauce, and curry paste and bring to a simmer, whisking to dissolve the curry paste.  Pour the mixture over the snack mix and toss to coat completely.  Season generously with salt and pepper and spread on 3 large rimmed baking sheets.  Bake for 35 minutes, stirring 2 or 3 times and shifting the sheets, until nearly dry and toasted.  Let cool completely, stirring occasionally.  (The snack mix can be stored in an airtight container at room temperature for up to 2 weeks.  Recrisp if necessary.)

little blue ring

my ring 

original image 

I stumbled upon this beautiful little blue ring one day while looking at some blogs, and fell for it so quickly I immediately "pinned" it! The original link for the source of the ring was no where to be found though. Bummer. Since then, I have found myself looking everywhere for this ring, or one similar. Online, at jewelry stores, even considered asking a jeweler if she could make it! And then the day came that I found it. It is so close to the picture that I pinned, I couldn't buy it fast enough. A little Christmas gift to myself!

Turquoise supposedly is a "healing" stone. There is also belief that it provides protection, strength, and good fortune to the wearer. I am fine with any of that being true, can't hurt I suppose! But mainly, I love that it is like a tiny blue moon on my hand. And the reminder to keep searching. Which strangely enough is the motto of 400 Moons:

"We surround ourselves with things that we love.
Objects that speak to our soul.
It may take us a long time to find each object,
but we keep searching until we do.

Even if it takes us many moons.

"you took my joy, I want it back"

So… it turns out those stages of grief are real, and we can’t really bypass them even if we think we have. Even if we think plenty of time has passed. Dammit. Looks like the whole “depression” stage finally caught up with me and has been lingering around me for the last month or so. I am just glad to realize it hasn’t been a mental breakdown like I was beginning to think. What a joy-suckage depression is. Any peace or balance I was feeling, any understanding of a bigger picture or ability to overlook the day-to-day bullshit has been zapped completely by it. I don’t think the cold rainy weather has helped, or the upcoming holidays, or stress at work.

All of this has manifested itself in a lot of daily frustrations and being pretty down on myself. It has made me reactionary, hopeless, and angry. There have been a lot of tears too. A lot of indifference and disconnect. The truth is, I am far enough away from all of the loss and complete 180 my life took over the last few years and it is so overwhelming that the only thing I can do is shut down. And while shutting completely down is not really an option for me, I have, for the first time in my life, been giving myself permission to not have to immediately get this figured out and learn some big lesson from it. I have given myself permission to say out loud that it sucks that all of this happened. And to not have to follow that up with “BUT, I am…grateful for this, or I have learned this, or I understand this…”. No, I am mad and sad that all of this happened. Took me a long time to get here. BUT, (I know I just said I am not saying “but…”) I am also over this grief sucking the joy from my soul, and while I can’t make the process change or go faster, I can at least maybe take care of myself in the meantime.

I opened a daily email blast about two weeks ago, which lead me to an article, which lead me to the source for that article that was a book about maintaining an inner peace beyond all of our everyday stressors. Pretty sure I cried when I read further into this book! (I am not kidding about how on the edge of my wall I have been). The book suggests simple shifts in your thinking that can help. For example, before getting out of bed in the morning, state your intention for the day. Such as, “I am calm. I am helpful today.” To say it in the present tense affirms it. It also sets the tone for you day. I have also found that I can go to those words when a moment arises that might cause me to react negatively. Another exercise is while getting ready for you day, you anticipate moments that are ahead and you “release” them down the drain. There is another suggestion for when your brain is going a million miles and hour, spend a few minutes writing down your stream of thoughts. When you are done, take a few more minutes to go back and read over the thoughts from an observer’s perspective. This act can calm your brain and detach you a bit from any crazy thinking. There is a practice of singing "You Are My Sunshine" to yourself when you are at odds with a loved one. The idea is that it will bring you back to a reality that life is short and you should make the most of moments with your loved one while you can. That realization helps you put small arguments into perspective and let it go much more easily. 

I know I am not the only one who has ever dealt with anything like this, and I guess that is why I am sharing it on this blog. Of course I wish I were writing some beautiful take on Christmas and the holidays and all of the joys that they bring. And sure, I have enjoyed time with my closest friends, and I love the lights of my tree, and I can’t wait to spend a long week in MS with some of the most important people in my life. Believe it or not, I have been listening to Christmas songs since December 1 and have been excited for the holidays! But the reality is, no matter if it is a holiday or any regular old day, we are all dealing with things that may not be ideal. Or that we wish we could change, and we can’t just yet. And there are things around every corner, that if we allow them, will take our joy. I don’t know about you, but when you are hanging on to any last thread of joy that you may have in your life, you cling pretty tight and find a way to get it back. I hope these little mantras and exercises actually will help in the long run. I hope that anyone else reading this blog might take something from it too. That "You Are My Sunshine" technique might actually come in handy over the next few weeks as we all cram too many loved ones into a short amount of time.

The title of this blog is taken from a Lucinda Williams song that has been running through my head. "You got no right to take my joy, I want it back. You got no right to take my joy, I want it back. You took my joy, I want it back. You took my joy, I want it back..." I have inadvertently turned this into a bit of a "mantra" if you will. It may not be envisioning worries going down a drain, but it sure does the trick in reminding me I am finally angry enough at the grief and sadness and stress and anything that else that does get in my way each day to keep me from the joy I am deserving of. Whatever works, right?!

giving thanks

Thanksgiving will be a bit different for me this year. There will still be turkey, and dressing and cranberry sauce. I will gather with my friends this year instead of immediate family—although I consider them my “Nashville family”—and watch football and eat and drink too much, I am sure. There are also plans to get together on Friday for leftovers and visit with some dearly missed friends who will be in town. But this year, there will be a lot of time that will not be filled with family or friends or festivities. I will have a lot of time to myself. To work on a few personal projects, watch movies, cook, and just have some down time. This time alone is what I am most thankful for this year. Not because I don’t want to be around others, or because I even necessarily have to spend any time alone. It is because I have finally reached a place in my life where this is not a sad or difficult thing... to be alone some during a holiday... and to not be lonely at all. I am thankful to be where I am in my life, even if it is not quite where I wanted to be. And I am grateful for the strength and healing that God has given me.

I hope everyone enjoys the time they have with their loved ones gathered around, and the time you may have by yourself. Sending love and gratitude to all of those who are in my life and those who are no longer here. Happy Thanksgiving!

a long time coming...

I posted back in August about the flooding, luckily minor flooding, that happened in my garage/studio, and that it caused me to get my space reorganized and cleaned up. I also mentioned that during the clean up process my worktable had finally given in and had enough. This prompted me to begin the search for something more than two tables pushed together and held tight with kraft paper!

The truth is I have been on this search for years. Long before I married E, moved into the house and slowly began to convert half the garage into studio space, I had been on this search. It began when I saw a table in a picture of a letterpress studio and I knew this was the perfect kind of table for me too. Plenty of flea markets, garage sales, odd furniture stores and online searches later, and still, nothing. In most cases, my lack of patience would have swayed me to just buy any table that would work, but I have learned that sometimes waiting for what I know is just right is a better option. Because the luxury of time was no longer available, and finding this perfect table was not happening, what else does a girl do but go to her daddy to see if HE can build it! My dad is not only handy, but also creative, and when it comes to solving something, well he is your man! It took a few hours of wandering around Lowe’s to find all that we needed, and then only a few more to get it put together. And before I knew it, years of waiting were over. This in itself is a great feeling, but having my father help me with it makes it even better! Trust me, I know that it may not be as complex or fancy as some out there, so why do I love it so much? Well, it is the perfect height for ME, it rolls, plenty of storage underneath, long enough to have multiple projects going at once, it is simple and utilitarian, and it was built specifically for me by someone who believes in everything that I will create here. Yep, I was right about this one—waiting was the better option.