new year

With a new year comes reflection on the year gone by. We make lists of things that were memorable and words that sum it up. We make more lists of resolutions for the new one in front of us. I feel pretty sure that when I continue to look back on this year all that will come to mind was how shitty it was. It was a terrible, sad, difficult year, and I am content to see it go. Clearly, not every part of it was terrible, but as a whole you get what I am saying. As far as my expectations for 2011—well, I have none. I literally want nothing to happen. For it to be uneventful and boring. That would be wonderful actually. I wonder sometimes that if I didn't make any big sudden movements, would I slip by unnoticed for a while. I know how ridiculous this sounds, but it is a true thought that I continue to have. I also know it is unrealistic, so am only halfway serious about all of this.

As much as I am not one to make resolutions at the start of a new calendar year, there are a few concepts that have presented themselves to me over the past few months. They have been on my mind enough to feel like a new year is a good time to delve further into them. A month or so ago my therapist told me that I need to learn to "just be". It sounds so simple, yet it is a concept I have been searching to define for years and years. To just BE. To be who I am, where I am in life, when I am, and how I am at all times. Seems simple, yet why is it so hard for most of us? And I KNOW I am not alone in this. So I have been mulling that over for a while now. The other day I decided I would google "How to Be" in my search to have this answered. Let me just note that the first EIGHT entries where focused on some Robert Pattinson movie with this title. I think this is so interesting. I am not sure what I was looking for, maybe a book, or some article of someone else delving into this further, but instead I got a million images of the star from the Twilight series. Chalk it up to my fault for trying to "google" this issue! So, it looks like there are no manuals on this. No easy way to go about it.

I also recently read an article in one of my favorite magazines about a woman who challenged herself to ask her loved ones how she could love them better. This is such a scary concept, what would people actually say?! But it is such an amazing idea. Why would we not want to know this? What a challenging and rewarding shift that could be. I am assuming the age-old theory of one has to love themselves before they can love others comes into play here. It is not that I don't love who I am, but we could all be a little kinder to ourselves. I feel if I can understand how to BE a bit more, I may not have to ask others how to love them better. It may happen naturally.

The one thing that has obviously come from this year was learning to understand death more; which in turn forces you to look at life. I have found myself letting go of things that used to hold more importance in my life, and grasping onto the things that are truth. I can see that in doing so there is more opportunity to actually live. And live well. I may still want to give 2010 "the bird", however, I can't help but give it credit for being the year real transformation began.

Happy New Year to all of you. May you burn your lists of expectations and instead experience life!